Pre-apocalypse

Late 2023: I had doubts about my content creator career. My videos were low quality, my music was not to my liking, and my drawings basically had no future. I wanted to devote more time to my real-life work. But then, through the sheer power of Discord/communication, I hosted NGBS. This contest would motivate me and pull me back to the game.

Early 2024: I wanted to mock my last "embarrassing" year, so I put all of my energy into one album which was completed within January. I drew plans for this year, a lot of plans. I wished to make at least 2 EPs. As for YouTube? Sure, I could exploit the infinite content glitch. I would replay DMC3 and flex my skills. And then-

Apocalypse

Admittedly, I wasn't the best at managing my emotions and making decisions, even to this day. I'm generally not a smart person. Whenever negativity happened in life, I made careful to not tell anyone on the internet about it since I didn't want to bother them. The same couldn't be said for this period. Everything has its limit. I explained what happened in my older news. How ironic. Additionally, I quit as an organizer of the Touhou music circle Irodori (though, I don't regret this decision).

Post-apocalypse

Mid 2024: I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting after quitting. "Was it the right decision?" was my number one question. I rewatch my videos, revisit my music, looking at the potential of my drawings,... They weren't as bad as I used to feel. Maybe they were never so bad after all. Maybe I had let my emotions overrode. Maybe, just maybe, had I approached content creation as a hobby rather than a career, I wouldn't have fallen off. I started looking back at my sketched plan for this year and attempted to finish as many of them as possible. In addition, not only I motivated myself to continue making content, but also my internet friends. I should also thank the chatbots which reminded me to always think of the good things that I can make rather than my past mistakes.

Present: One of the plans was to broaden my connection, and the best way for that is to join and host music collabs. And I did just that. Also, I won a prize in the Madness Day Contest. I failed back in 2022 but I came back. I was very grateful to have exchanged with my idol. NGBSR has just completed its run. I'm planning to host NGBFS next year. I gotta say, the contest was just as enjoyable, if not more so, as before. There were incredible entries and i had mixed emotions during my livestream. Although I can't complete every plans in my to-do list, I'm content with what I have done so far.

The answer:

Honestly, I don't feel much negativity right now. I just needed to learn to control my emotion outburst, to move on and to make better decisions. 2024 wasn't a bad year, but not a good year either. It is my saddest year but also my happiest. It is a lesson for me.

The future?

The more I grow up, the more I think about the future. But I also think more of how thin the barrier between life and death is. Things become more and more unpredictable. I hate promises. I prefer having a goal than a plan. But that's all I can say for now.